


Judy Died Somehow

by VariableMammal



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Curses, Explicit Language, Gen, Parody, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 14:17:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10515462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VariableMammal/pseuds/VariableMammal
Summary: In Zootopia, in the darkest timeline, Judy has perished. Somehow.What's left is a bitter fox and a niece that looks and acts almost precisely like her.She's also got a really foul mouth.





	1. July's First Day, which may or may Not be July 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to preface this by saying I have a _lot_ of respect for MisterMead as a creator.
> 
> I say that, because it sure as heck isn't going to seem like it!
> 
> This "work", if you can call it that, is a rather vicious lampooning of the popular comic by MisterMead entitled "Judy is Dead". Mead himself is proud of the work, as he should be, because it was one of the longest-running and most ambitious projects in the fandom and has tons of fans.
> 
> I just, personally, tend to think it fell a little flat.
> 
> In an interview Mead gave to ZNN, he outlined a lot of the history of Judy is Dead, like what his process was, what he was proud of, and what challenges he faced. A lot of the perceived problems in Judy is Dead come from the structure of it, and how Mead didn't know it was going to become a hit, and basically just made things up as he went along. I completely, completely sympathize with this. Recently (in the Appendix II of Different Tails) I've tried to highlight some of my own failings as an author and where they stemmed from. Hearing Mead's humility was extremely refreshing and he deserves a lot of respect, regardless of your opinions of his work.
> 
> All that _said_ , I like a good round of ribbing, and you can't really hate something without also loving it, right? 
> 
> This is my first attempt to write just a completely bad, humorous and irreverent fic. Please don't take it seriously or personally. This is also, unusually for my work, going to be full of swearing. You probably shouldn't read Judy Died Somehow if:
> 
> -You haven't read Judy is Dead
> 
> -You really, really enjoy Judy is Dead and find it flawless
> 
> -You don't enjoy cringe humor at all
> 
> -You don't enjoy poor writing
> 
> -You are allergic to Zootopia or any of its ingredients
> 
> -You are pregnant or may become pregnant, especially with Funnies or Boxes
> 
> Ask your doctor if you experience any symptoms such as extreme eye rolling or loud, defeated sighs, as these may become permanent.
> 
> Disclaimer aside, if you're still here, let's get this train wreck started!

A cream-colored, yellow-eyed rabbit sat there excitedly on her first day at the ZPD. She was so excited she could barely contain it behind her full grin, so she placed sunglasses on her eyes to try to mute her enthusiasm.  
  
Her enthusiasm waned only slightly when her chief quickly brushed aside the fact that she was the  _second_ ever rabbit officer on the ZPD.  
  
Her name was July Hopps. It wasn't Judy Hopps, she was dead at the time. One could be forgiven for thinking they looked similar, though, especially if one had a very particular eye condition that perceived only various shades of a particular color at any given time.  
  
July hunched forward in her chair as the chief waited until she was the last one to be given an assignment. She was absolutely giddy with glee.  
  
"Hopps... parking duty," the gruff voice said. It belonged to Nick Wilde, who was the chief of precinct one. Of course, this wasn't a surprise at all to July, who was looking at him the whole time, but if, for instance, one had been staring at July the whole time, one might have missed that it was in fact a fox at the podium.  
  
"Ah, shit," July muttered under her breath.


	2. The Fat Wallet

"The cat's in the bag!" July proudly proclaimed as she dragged an enormous, cuffed lion into the ZPD by his ankle. She planted her fists in her hips after putting on her sunglasses for a job well done.  
  
"Hopps!" Nick screamed from the top floor of the ZPD. "My office! _Now_!"  
  
"Just what the fuck were you thinking?" Nick swept his hand out widely as July entered his office. "Do you have a death wish, July!?"  
  
"Okay, let me stop you right there, Chief," July held up her paw. "It's not July, like the month, it's JEW-lee, like the _name_."  
  
"Why is it spelled like the month then!?" Nick grit his teeth. "Here, it says it right on your dossier, J-U-L-Y, not J-U-L-I-E!"  
  
"That's to make it even more obvious that I'm a lot like my aunt, but let's not get caught up in tedious shit like that," July looked at her claws, "while we could be talking about how awesome I was for taking down those criminals that were about to get away-"  
  
"So let them get away!" Nick barked. "Call for backup! What were you going to do, beat them to death with your ticket writer!?"  
  
"Well, not to death," July smirked. "But I did knock a couple of 'em unconscious with it. And then I suplexed that lion. It was fucking _sweet_."  
  
"Okay, listen here, you cocky little shit," Nick said, taking out his wallet and doling out several photographs. "All of these pictures are of officers. They all have something in common. They're all better than you, and they're all _dead_."  
  
July gazed down at the pictures.  
  
"Fangmeyer, incinerated by a red laser," Nick rattled off morosely, "Grizzoli, crushed by a cola machine. Wolford, chased the wrong car-"  
  
"Wait, is that Judy?" July pointed at one of the pictures.  
  
"Oh shit, what?" Nick looked down at the pictures and saw one of Judy Hopps. "I was supposed to strategically obscure that one."  
  
"Yeah, my aunt, Judy Hopps, the first bunny on the force," July nodded. "She died under some mysterious circumstances that were never fully explained. Could you tell me what happened?"  
  
"No," Nick said coldly. "And you've got parking duty for two months."  
  
"Aw, shit, what...?" July whined.  
  
"And take off those stupid fucking sunglasses," Nick snatched her sunglasses from her face and slammed them violently on his desk, breaking them. "Get out of my office."  
  
July frowned, put on another pair of sunglasses from her pocket, and walked out of the office.   
  
Nick started to cry over the pictures on his desk. Mostly because smashing the sunglasses had hurt his hand.


	3. A Lot of Symbolism

"Wow, these are amazing!" Kat Clawhauser said to July at the receptionist desk. She was a cow, though if one was only looking directly at July one might miss that.  
  
"Pretty bitchin', right?" July smiled. "Now that the Hopps basically own Bunnyburrow in a mega conglomerate, we have literally the best blueberries in the triburrows."  
  
"I think I'll be your friend, little July," Kat smiled. "You desperately need someone to talk to besides our old cranky chief, who's standing right behind you."  
  
"Oh shit, what!?" July spun around.  
  
"Where's your repellent, officer?" Nick said, his hands behind his back.  
  
"My what?" July's eyebrow raised.  
  
"Your _fox repellent_ , Hopps," Nick said angrily, towering over her.   
  
"Fox repellent?" July replied. "The hell do I need that for, except maybe to keep your grumpy ass away?"  
  
"Forep is mandatory for all small mammals on the force," Nick insisted.  
  
"What? 'Forep'? No it's not! You're making shit up!" July returned. "I checked all the procedures and guidelines. The fuck is a can of pepper spray gonna do if I get into a fight with a rhino? Make his eyes kind of itch a little while he flattens me like a pancake?"  
  
"Listen idiot, this is not that complicated," Nick growled. "Fox repellent is a _symbol_. It's the one thing Judy Hopps ever hurt me with, so I make little shits like you wear it so I can be reminded of their failures." Nick sneered at July. "Plus, I desperately need a reason to hate you."  
  
"Oh, okay, fair enough," July shrugged. "Speaking of symbols from your past, how about some blueberries?" July offered a basket of blueberries.  
  
"Blueberries!" Nick hissed, recoiling. "My one weakness!" Nick snatched up the basket and started packing them into his cheeks like a hamster.   
  
"Uh, you're welcome?" July sucked at her teeth.  
  
Nick brought out a weathered red handkerchief out of his pocket. It was yet another symbol from his past, the Junior Ranger Scouts handkerchief he always carried around. After remembering that it'd once been soaked in Judy's blood before, he collected a greedy portion of blueberries from the basket into the handkerchief, and pushed the basket back to July.  
  
"Get your shit together, Hopps," Nick said with a blank expression on his face.  
  
"Wow!" Kat exclaimed suddenly. "That's the happiest Chief Wilde's been in _months_!"  
  
"Shame it probably won't fuckin' last," July said, putting on her sunglasses.


	4. The Perpetuity

Nick labored over a mountain of paperwork until almost midnight.  
  
"Ugh, no more of this bullshit, I quit," Nick groaned.  
  
About six hours later, he got up and got ready for work, heading back in.   
  
"Damn, this city fuckin' sucks," Nick exhaled, relaxing into his office chair. "It's a good thing I have the power of Judy's memory keeping me going, or I might have quit by now."  
  
"Chief, we got a situation!" Kat buzzed over the intercom.  
  
"Can it wait, Clawhauser? I'm busy moping," Nick explained.  
  
"It really, really can't!" Kat said anxiously.  
  
"Fuckin' hate this city," Nick groaned.  
  
And the city really was in a bad way. Pred-prey violence and general unrest was at an all time high, and nothing had been learned from the past years.   
  
Nick had to deal with the fallout from a barrage of questions about the crimes being committed.  
  
Nick had to deal with protestors who hated the fact that the police chief was a fox. In fact, his approval rating was at such an all-time low it was a wonder that he hadn't been fired yet.  
  
Nick had to deal with that annoying little shit July, who'd just managed to break into a fur trading ring and arrest a foreign dignitary, of all things. She was supposed to be writing tickets, and instead she'd done the impossible again, with a shit-eating grin on her face and those obnoxious sunglasses on her eyes.  
  
At the end of the day, with another mountain of paperwork, Nick decided to quit again.  
  
"It really is too much, someone else should be dealing with this shit," Nick grumbled. "Preferably someone that's not still profoundly emotionally compromised after about two decades."  
  
But, the next day, Nick got up again to go to work. It would kind of be funny if it wasn't so sad.


	5. This Evil Piggy Went Wee Wee Wee

Nick kicked down the door to the mayor's office, much to the distress of the little mouse trying to guard it.  
  
"You- you can't go in without an appointment!" The mouse was quickly punted aside.   
  
"Fuck that, I'm Nicholas Fuckin' Wilde," Nick grumbled, storming into the office.  
  
"It's okay, Miss Muston," Mayor Swinton said from behind her desk, waving her off. She was a pig, but if one was staring directly at Nick, one might miss that.  
  
"Sup, bitch?" Swinton held her arms out merrily as Nick stormed closer to her desk.  
  
"What's all this fucking mess?" Nick said angrily, slapping a newspaper down on Swinton's desk. "You're making that stupid little asshole I have to put up with think she's hot shit!"   
  
"Ah, these are all of my evil plans, foiled by our new little bunny on the force, aren't they?" Swinton smiled insufferably.  
  
"You know and I know that her head is full of one hundred percent fluff," Nick said. "However, due to your extensively calculated bullshit, you've managed to make her think she's stumbled upon some sort of big crime ring and ruined months of our undercover work while thinking she busted some sort of fur-trading ring!"  
  
"Yup, it's all going exactly to my plan," Swinton delicately placed her hoof-fingers together. "Isn't it great that you're fully aware of all my plans and can't do anything about it?"  
  
"Why don't you just kill the bitch and get it over with?" Nick threw his hand up in exasperation.  
  
"Why, to hurt you, my dear," Swinton said, pouring them both a drink of hard liquor. "You have a lot to learn about being pointlessly cruel, but bless your heart, you're _trying_."  
  
"I know you could have poisoned this drink," Nick said, slugging it down before Swinton even touched hers. "But I'm going to drink it anyway because I'm just  _that_ badass." Nick carelessly tossed his shot glass against the wall, where it shattered. "Anyway, your time is almost up. Elections are soon, and your fat ass sure doesn't have the public's eye."  
  
"The heck I don't!" Swinton grinned. "I own the public opinion. I own the press. I own the media. You can't stick anything to me; I'm unassailable. Heck, I could be helping the reptiles by selling them the fur of mammals trapped in a vegetative state, and I'd still make mayor next term."  
  
Nick paused for a moment, his eyes widening. "Wow, that is  _really_ fucked up."  
  
Swinton grinned with a shrug. "It's a living."  
  
"Uh, have you tried  _not_ being evil?" Nick asked hesitantly.  
  
"Nick, you can't just ask someone not to be evil, that's rude!" Swinton looked appalled. "Anyway, I've prepared a paper for your resignation. I know you don't want to deal with Zootopia anymore, and who can blame you? No one loves you, least of all yourself."  
  
Nick carefully drew pictures of pig genitals on the resignation sheet with a carrot pen, and Swinton's gleeful expression quickly turned quizzical.  
  
"Stay the fuck away from Hopps," Nick warned, pointing the carrot pen directly at Swinton.  
  
"Aw, you do care for her after all!" Swinton said in an adoring, musical voice. "That's great, you're such a _good uncle_. I mean, she is almost exactly like Judy, so of course you like her, you creepy weirdo."  
  
"Well, except for her strange obsession with sunglasses and that she swears like a sailor," Nick growled. "If July runs afoul of all this shit you have going on with the reptiles and the fur-trading, I'll turn you into fat, greasy bacon."  
  
"Okay, you have my word that I'll leave the little fluffball alone," Swinton rolled her eyes. "Are we done here?"  
  
"Almost," Nick said, replaying the last few lines of their conversation with his carrot pen. "Look, I have your entire evil plan recorded on this pen, you dumb shit."  
  
"Oh no, my evil plans!" Swinton gasped. Nick slammed the carrot pen hard against the desk, breaking it.  
  
"But I  _don't need_ an advantage like that, because I'm just _that badass_ ," Nick growled in a very masculine voice.   
  
"Uh..." Swinton's calm facade started to melt away. "Holy shit, you've got tanuki-sized balls, fucko."  
  
"When next we meet, it will be on the field of battle," Nick pointed at Swinton.  
  
"Yeah, somehow I doubt that?" Swinton waved. "Bye now."


	6. Exposition: Starring Finnick!

"I mean, of course I'd heard of my aunt before," July shrugged, adjusting her sunglasses while she was sitting in the back of a van near the door. "It'd be kind of extremely weird if I hadn't, given she was the first bunny cop and all. Nobody ever told me what happened to her."  
  
Hacking and coughing prevailed as a beat-up looking fennec fox sat down next to her and offered her a drink.  
  
"Damn, I really hope this is alcoholic," July took a swig. "I need it to deal with my shithead of a boss."  
  
"Really?" Finnick grumbled, coughing. "So you somehow missed all the news reports about Judy's death? You never looked it up online?"  
  
"I did not," July grinned, putting her sunglasses on.  
  
"Dumb bitch," Finnick spat, hacking and coughing some more. "So I guess you don't know they were married, then?"  
  
"What, Nick and Judy?" July's eyes widened. "Really?"  
  
"Wow, you really are an idiot," Finnick wagged his head in pity. "How could you have missed news about one of the biggest interspecies wedding to-dos like, ever? Judy and Nick, both heroes of the Nighthowler incident, getting-" Finnick coughed, "getting hitched, pred and prey together. It was kind of a fucking  _huge_ deal here in Zootopia."  
  
"Well, uh," July poked her fingers together. "Y'know, bunny families are big, and-"  
  
"Yeah, but it's not like it could have just gotten lost in the fluffle shuffle," Finnick shrugged one shoulder. "This is Judy Fuckin' Hopps we're talkin' about. She's not exactly your average bunny."  
  
July glowered in exasperation. "Sometimes I think people keep information from me just to fuck with me."  
  
"Yeah, well that being the case, whatchoo think about Nick being your uncle?" Finnick took a swig of his own drink.  
  
"That's kind of fucked up," July nodded. "He's a pretty shit uncle."  
  
"Yeah, well he was a pretty shit 'dad' when he was pretending to be one for me, too," Finnick chuckled. "Man, the shit the two of us got into... woo. Too bad he's drier than a dead horse's pussy right now. Joyless bastard." Finnick coughed.  
  
"I've always kind of wanted to be noticed by my family," July looked off to the side.  
  
"Oh God, here we go," Finnick rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, really," July shook her head. "Not by Nick, I mean my parents."  
  
"Well you said yourself, bunny families are big," Finnick said. "What sense does it make for them to even be able to devote a few minutes of their time per day to any one child?"  
  
"Yeah, that's part of my problem I guess," July shrugged.  
  
"So, instead of being an ambitious bunny who got attention for her achievements like Judy did," Finnick mused. "You want to get attention for your achievements by being an ambitious bunny."  
  
"Right," July nodded. "I'm totally different than my aunt."  
  
"Dumb bitch," Finnick coughed again, hacking this time. He got an oxygen mask and huffed from it. "Nick's not going to like that. He's going to portray your ambition as some sort of evil shit."  
  
"What?" July raised her eyebrow. "That doesn't make any sense."  
  
"I guess he doesn't want his precious lil' niece to get hurt," Finnick tossed off the oxygen mask. "Now, if you're through with your sob story, I'm busy dying of cancer here."  
  
"Ah, okay," July nodded and got off his van. "See you later?"  
  
"Yeah, I doubt it," Finnick grunted.


	7. Very Spoopy

Nick was cuddling with Judy under a tree. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and the climate was absolutely perfect, enhanced by a subtle breeze.  
  
"Mmm," Judy squirmed in comfort, opening her eyes.  
  
"Morning, Fluff, you sleep well?" Nick asked his mate, stroking her back.  
  
"Yeah, like the _dead_ ," Judy smirked up at him.  
  
"Wow, really fucking subtle," Nick rolled his eyes.  
  
"Aw, c'mon Nick," Judy said, standing up. "What's your problem, anyway? Why can't we get back to all the fun banter like we used to?"  
  
"I'm sick of you invading my dreams and pretending to be Judy," Nick pointed at the bunny. "Just leave me the fuck alone."  
  
"You're such a sourpuss," Judy's brow furrowed. "Here, is this subtle enough for you?" Judy pulled out a bed sheet and draped it over herself. "Wooo...! You killed me...! Wooo...!"  
  
"Cut it out, you demon-" Nick said, yanking the sheet off. Instead of Judy, it was July that was under the sheet. "What the fuck!?"  
  
"Yeah, it was me the whole time!" July cackled, putting on her sunglasses. "How about some sugar, Uncle Chief!?" She laid back down on Nick, draping her arms around his neck.  
  
"I'm conflating my wife with my niece!?" Nick sputtered, panicked. "This is some Freudian shit!"  
  
July's mouth opened, but she started making sharp metallic beeps instead of words.  
  
Nick bolted upright from his sleep, gasping. He sat on the edge of his bead, his head in his hands.  
  
"Oh thank God," Nick breathed out. "Thank God it was only a dream..."


	8. Forgettable

July took a deep breath and put her sunglasses on. Nick was across the room, and she'd had enough. She stomped over to him.  
  
"Listen, Uncle Chief-" July started.  
  
" _Please_ don't call me that," Nick said, turning around. July gasped. He was also wearing sunglasses.  
  
"Okay, _whatever_ , how's Asshole Fox?" July grit her teeth. "I'd like some fucking recognition for my accomplishments already. While you're treating me like a suckling kit, I'm over here power-bombing crocodiles and tying snakes into knots."  
  
"Ah, so you think if you got a proper policing assignment that would somehow bring you more respect," Nick said coolly.  
  
"I think I deserve it!" July's lip wavered. "How can you just casually ignore everything I've done!?"  
  
"Because you are nothing," Nick enunciated coldly, putting on a second pair of sunglasses. July cringed; she was now at a distinct disadvantage. "Listen, maybe we're going about this the wrong way." Nick grinned in a sinister fashion. "You know the first time I met your aunt, I had her sized up in less than five minutes. I basically tore her a new asshole. And what a sweet, sweet ass she had-"  
  
"Okay, let's cut to the chase," July folded her arms.  
  
"Anyway, how about Uncle Nick gives you a lesson about why you're so worthless?" Nick presumably glowered at her, but it was hard to tell behind two layers of sunglasses. "You think you're hot shit, right? Graduated top of your class, stationed at precinct one? Well, you're not. You're just an ambitious little pretender, and you wouldn't have a righteous bone in your body if you got fucked by the world's most heroic buck-"  
  
"Ha!" July barked, pointing up at him. "Finnick fucking called it! He told me you'd pull that 'ambition is evil' shit on me!"  
  
"Okay, whatever, listen," Nick groaned. "You were assigned to precinct one to manipulate me. All your achievements are worthless, because they've all been part of a game that Mayor Swinton is playing with me."  
  
"The fuck?" July raised an eyebrow.  
  
"All the criminals you've taken down? Plants," Nick shook his head. "I mean, not literally plants like the things you bunnies eat, but they were placed there to lose to you. Spring loaded mechanisms in their belts so they would be easier to perform wrestling moves on."  
  
"How could you possibly know that?" July wondered.  
  
"Because Swinton and I are on a completely different level than some forgettable two-bit Judy clone like you," Nick wagged his head. "All of the intense political mind games we're playing with each other would go right over your tiny little bunny head."  
  
"S-so you think that everything I've accomplished has been done to- to what?" July stammered.  
  
"To deflect from the real issue," Nick stirred his coffee thoughtfully. "While you're out pile-driving alligators, all the  _real_ bad stuff is being done just under your nose. And what happens if the bunny dies? The poor uncle gets upset."  
  
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" July sneered. "You think everything that's going on is just some game to hurt _you_? That's pretty fucking narcissistic!"  
  
"It's the truth," Nick said. "I'm the most important fox in this city and I'll be damned if I let some air-headed bitch like you screw my careful, secret operations up."  
  
"Fuck you!" July threw down her sunglasses. "I'll bring the head of the leader of this fucking fur-trading ring on a plate before sundown!"  
  
"Yeah, whatever," Nick saluted. "Don't come back until you've written two thousand tickets before noon."  
  
July displayed her middle finger and stormed off.  
  
Nick entered his office. Chief Bogo was standing on the other side, but it was a little hard to tell because he was somehow mostly obscured by shadow.  
  
"Still a fucking asshole I see, Wilde," Chief Bogo said dryly.  
  
"What do you care, Commissioner?" Nick sneered. "You know, what  _is_ your first name, anyway? I don't know if I've ever bothered to remember."  
  
"It's Yumba," Chief- er, Commissioner Bogo said. "Swahili for 'Undecided'. As in, I'm 'undecided' whether I want to put up with your tedious shit today, because you never let anything go."  
  
"She'll get over it," Nick insisted.  
  
"I'd think you of all fucking people would know how a Hopps gets when they're oppressed," Commissioner Chief Yumba Bogo said. "She's going to go and do something profoundly stupid."  
  
"Yeah, probably," Nick nodded. "And she'll either get her guts smeared all over Downtown or actually accomplish something. Either way, I win, don't I?"  
  
Bogo sneered at Nick.  
  
"What's on the docket today, Bogo?" Nick said tiredly.  
  
"Well," Bogo grimaced, "my first item had to do with reports I had gotten about an enormous fucking tree lodged in a fox's asshole, but I don't think it's going to work itself loose anytime soon."


	9. Electrolytes

"Wow, that is really messed up," Kat Clawhauser said as she jogged with her friend July. "The chief's usually not so pointlessly cruel. Most people on the force actually like him!"  
  
"I guess he's been learning to be a bastard," July's teeth were grit as she ran. "Or, he just hates me in particular for some reason."  
  
"Well you do kind of act like a bitch, to be honest," Kat's eyes moved away from July.   
  
"Whatever, it's no reason for him to do me like that," July spat. "I guess it's just cause he's my uncle? He needs to get his huge orange overprotective ass off me!"  
  
"There might be something to that," Kat noted. The two stopped, huffing for breath.   
  
"Look at all this stupid shit going on," July and Kat came to a halt near a bunch of TV monitors displaying the news. They were tuned to riots and civil unrest that was still sparking in the city. "I bet I could go out there and make a real difference."  
  
"Or get your guts splattered out thinner than a ferret's waistline," Kat raised an eyebrow.   
  
"Yeah, then he'd be fucking sorry," July ground her teeth. "I can see the headlines: 'July Hopps, killed because an overprotective uncle drove her to madness'."  
  
"Well, you're sure a ray of sunshine," Kat huffed.  
  
"You gonna buy me a drink or what?" July nodded her head to a refreshment stand they were close to, putting on her sunglasses. "I'm fuckin' thirsty."  
  
"I dunno, are we dating?" Kat fluttered her eyes.  
  
"No, and I swear to God if you try to flirt with me I'm going to hop up and punch you in the neck," July's brow fell.  
  
"I do like them feisty," Kat wiggled her eyebrows. July pursed her lips and stared at her from behind her sunglasses. "Okay, whatever. I'll get you a drink."


	10. Forever a Porcine

"Mmm," Swinton puckered her lips and spread bright red lipstick on them, looking at herself in the mirror and smiling. "Nope. Still a pig." She looked down for a moment in momentary discouragement, then looked back up. "Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. I'm  _hot_ compared to what normally passes for a pig bitch!" She grinned. "I'm quite a tasty pork dish, with a side of fries and a shake!" She wiggled her hips. "Hell, I think I could have gone into porn if it weren't for this whole 'being evil mayor' thing!"  
  
Swinton sighed, balling her fists. "I can't believe that some common  _doggo_ has managed to outwit me in our extremely protracted and vaguely-detailed chess game of wits. I thought for sure that that stupid bunny would ruin everything." Swinton shrugged, sighed, and waggled her head. "Oh well. It'll all be for naught. My extremely evil plans are just about to come to a head."  
  
Mr. Stevens, a tiger with an eye patch over one eye, approached. "Everything's ready for your cartoonishly evil plan, Swinton. You sure you want to go through with this?"  
  
"Stevens, darling," Swinton rolled her eyes. "You don't just  _ask_ an evil mayor if they want to do the most fucking awesome thing they've ever improbably concocted. The mammal power, the work involved, the product! Why'd I back out now?"  
  
"Because you suddenly found a shred of sense, my mayor?" Stevens sighed.  
  
"We're far past that point, Stevens," Swinton smiled. "Let's get this shitshow on the road."


	11. Sphere of Idiocy

"Hi, Chief!" Kat said cheerfully as the grumpy fox passed by her desk.  
  
"Clawhauser," Nick barely nodded.  
  
"So, are you going to watch the Animalia event tonight?" Kat smiled.  
  
"Hm, let's see," Nick started to count on his fingers. He extended one finger. "Swinton's doing horribly in the exit polls, so this is probably her last act as a mayor." He added another finger. "I know that Swinton is completely evil and can't be trusted, so she's probably going to do something desperate." He added a third finger. "Up until this point I've managed to stay on top of her in our lightning-hot and extremely complicated game of mental chess, so complicated it would take too long to go into." Nick lowered all of his fingers but his middle finger. "Nope, fuck it. I'm going to go home and pass out from crying while watching romantic comedies."  
  
"Uh, okay?" Kat offered a tentative smile. "Have a good night!"  
  
"You too," Nick said, leaving the ZPD.    
  
That evening, Nick was jerked awake by an emergency call coming in from his phone.  
  
"Ugh..." Nick grumbled. "This better be fucking important."  
  
"It is important," an incredibly awesome voice said from the other end of the line. It sounded like a movie preview announcer. "The city's gone to hell."  
  
"What?" Nick sat up in his bed. "Who the hell is this? Your answer will dictate whether I kill you literally or figuratively."  
  
"That's not important," the voice said. "What is important is that real bad shit is going down and the city needs its totally awesome but visibly aging fox god chief to save it! Are you a bad enough dude to _save the fuckin' world_!?"  
  
"Hell yeah I am!" Nick hung up the phone and slapped his uniform on. He threw open his closet, equipping himself with all sorts of guns and other weaponry in a long, but totally awesome suit-up sequence.  
  
"Okay, it's fuckin' go time," Nick said, kicking open the door to his apartment.


	12. Unusual Precipitation

"Hello, my fellow Zootopians!" Mayor Swinton said from behind a podium at the Animalia stadium that evening. "As you may know, it's probably my last few days as mayor-"  
  
"Hey wait!" A loud boar in the audience shouted. "I don't remember this part!"  
  
"Guards, please detain that insane boar before he 'bores' us any further," Swinton yawned. Then, she grinned in a sinister fashion. "And guards? While you're at the exits, block them all off."  
  
A confused note ran through the stadium.   
  
"All of you idiots came here just to see me off, have you?" Mayor Swinton grinned. "Well, the joke's on you all. Look up in the sky." A blue zeppelin was floating above the stadium. "With just one word, the zeppelin will be strafed by a fighter jet. And do you know what you filthy savages will find within that balloon? Night howler pellets." Swinton cackled. "That's right! You're all about to go _fucking savage_! As the most powerful pig in Zootopia, I've spent considerable time, resources, and planning to get all of you idiots into this stadium and _unleash hell_!"  
  
Mammals began to murmur and scream, trying to make their way to the exit.  
  
"It's too late!" Swinton said, balancing on the podium with a wild look in her eye. "I'll be watching as you all kill all of your friends and loved ones in a savage orgy of violence! Ahahahaha!" Swinton threw her head back. "GAAAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAA!" Swinton capped off her evil laugh with a little snort.  
  
A rather conveniently-timed lightning strike hit the zeppelin and it exploded into a shower of blue Night Howler pellets.  
  
"Oh!" Swinton opened an umbrella. "I guess that works too."  
  
"All right now, Swinton," Mr. Stevens said, trying to get under the umbrella. "Just stick with me and I'll keep you safe."  
  
"Yup, you will!" Swinton said joyously, pulling a Night Howler pellet gun out of her dress and shooting Mr. Stevens with it.  
  
"Gnh...!" Mr. Stevens backed off, where he was hit by several more of the pellets raining from the air. "The fuck was that for!?"  
  
"You don't get to be a pointlessly evil villain by pussyfooting around, pussycat!" Swinton mockingly wiggled her eyebrows and tossed the gun to the ground. "Now be a good boy; go forth and _kill Nick Wilde_! AAAAH HAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Kill... Nick Wilde..." Mr. Stevens said stiltedly. He began to snarl and roar as he dropped to all fours, tearing at his own clothes.  
  
Swinton began to run for the one exit she had planned for her escape, looking backwards at the carnage that was unfolding in the stadium, so she didn't see as she ran directly into an enormous snake's mouth.  
  
"Oh shit!" Swinton exclaimed just as it was too late, and the enormous maw clamped down, trapping her within. Swinton had a minute or so left of consciousness as she processed that she herself was about to be processed into that very substance.


	13. The Zombie Apocalypse

"Shit, stuff is getting real!" A discarded police radio barked from an abandoned police car.  
  
"No kidding!?" Another voice piped up. "How the hell did Swinton manage to pull off a stunt that makes Bellwether's incursion look like a child's prank!?"  
  
"Hell if I kno-" the voice was interrupted by an explosion in the distance that rocked a nearby building. "How the hell are buildings _exploding_!?"  
  
Predators and prey alike prowled the streets with glowing eyes and murderous intent, growling and snarling.  
  
"I have no idea! I think it has to do with some sort of anti-Night Howler defensive system the city installed?"  
  
"What, it's programmed to  _explode_ when Night Howler gets near? The fuck sense does  _that_ make!?"  
  
"Dude, don't ask me, we're all kind of busy with the imminent collapse of society as we know it!"  
  
"Hold the hell on, who's that?"  
  
"Officer Hopps is leading the evacuation effort at Eyetooth Bridge."  
  
"Whoa, that bunny's got a death wish!"  
  
"She regularly suplexes mammals twice her size! What was your first fucking clue!?"  
  
"Notice to all units: Clawhauser is now the acting incident commander."  
  
"That stupid cow? Shit, we're all  _really_ fucked."  
  
"Oh, shit, _oh shit_! It's fuckin' Chief Wilde!"


	14. Totally Radical!

Nick's cruiser went into a power slide as it knocked down the gate leading to the Eyetooth bridge. The gate sailed off like a poorly-programmed physics object and exploded violently in the distance.   
  
Nick dramatically stepped out of his car, cracked his knuckles, and threw down his sunglasses, his car radio blaring high-octane rock music.   
  
"All right fuckers, Nick Wilde's here," Nick said, drawing two weapons that looked like uzis. Several savage mammals looked at him and erupted into cheers, or perhaps their natural growls. It was hard to tell.  
  
Nick opened fire with his guns, which both had "non-lethal" printed on the side. The non-lethal bullets penetrated scores of mammals and they fell to the ground, twitching while they didn't bleed from their non-lethal wounds. Nick dashed around like he was twenty again, his aged fox body actuated with adrenaline to ignore all of his aches and pains. But for all of his prodigious skill in non-lethally killing the savage not-zombie mammals, Nick quickly found his magazines running dry.  
  
"Shit, empty already?" Nick grimaced. "What the hell? Action heroes never run out of ammo." He tossed his guns to the ground and ran over to an overturned barricade. On the other side was July, crouched down and injured, hugging a mammal of indeterminate species close to her.  
  
"Oh shit, oh shit...!" July squeaked hysterically as she rocked back and forth with the terrified mammal in her arms.   
  
"July, c'mon, let's get the hell out of here!" Nick offered.  
  
"Uncle Chief!?" July looked up at him. "What the fuck are you doing here!?"   
  
"Trying to save your dumb ass!" Nick grit his teeth. "What are  _you_ doing, cowering here with this kid?"  
  
"I'm trying to protect him!" July yelled back. "I think he might be the chosen one! His eyes are glowing blue!" Indeed, her assessment was accurate.  
  
"But... yours are glowing yellow," Nick scratched the top of his head.  
  
"And yours are glowing green..." July gasped. "Oh shit, is this how it starts!? Are we going savage?"  
  
"No, that's not how it works!" Nick grumbled. "Listen, c'mon, let's _go_!"  
  
"What, you can't even let me sacrifice myself alone as a hero, you selfish shit?" July sneered, standing up.  
  
"Now's not the time for your fucking hero complex!" Nick said, gritting his teeth as he looked back, several savage mammals closing in. "Damn it!"  
  
"You don't have any more weapons!?" July asked incredulously.  
  
"I'll... I'll think of something!" Nick held out his arms defensively. Mr. Stevens growled and began to close in. "Stay close; I'll protect you!"  
  
"What are you doing to do!?" July screamed in disdain. "Impale them with your adrenaline boner!?"  
  
The child closed his eyes, tired of the bickering. The Chosen One would have no more of this.


	15. The Segue

It was a pretty good life, Nick surmised.  
  
Sure, it had its ups and downs.   
  
There was the whole thing with the Ranger Scouts. That sucked.   
  
But there was the time Nick got to live it large with Mr. Big as a youth, and that was pretty cool.  
  
There were the hustles; that was okay.  
  
There was the Night Howler incident, which had its own ups and downs.  
  
There was becoming a police officer, which was awesome.   
  
There was marrying the love of his life, Judy Hopps. That was  _totally_ sweet.  
  
Then there was the time she died in an unspecified, but definitely violent way. That... that just really fucking sucked.  
  
Then, he started to become bitter and question what he was fighting for. Judy, certainly, but...  
  
That damn little cream-colored bunny bitch had to come in and constantly remind him of what it was like to be with Judy.  
  
But, like it or not, July was his niece, and as any good uncle would, he had to save her from a snarling, savage tiger. After mercilessly ridiculing and shaming her, of course, because what's a good uncle doing with his life if he can't have a bit of fun with his relatives?  
  
He tried to think. He had sprayed the tiger with fox repellent, but all that did was piss him off. What had happened next?  
  
Nick found himself in a field with golden waves of grain everywhere. He was pretty sure he could also see purple mountains of majesty in the background, as well. Moving forward, he thought he caught a blurry vision of a bunny, but then he opened his eyes.  
  
The vision of a bunny just turned out to be his niece. Also, his hospital bed was filled with a bunch of other bunny plushes.  
  
"Huh...?" Nick groaned, an oxygen mask over his face. "Damn, we didn't die?"  
  
"Yeah, no such luck," July smiled. "But damned if I was gonna let  _you_ die and steal all the glory."  
  
"Heh..." Nick chuckled. "But then... what happened? Did you fight them all off with your awesome wrestling powers?"  
  
"Heh, no..." July shook off her sunglasses. "Nah. It was that kid. He beat the hell out of all of the savage animals with these amazing energy-packed punches, then us. I guess he really was the Chosen One. He ran off before I could thank him, then I went unconscious as well."  
  
"I guess nothing else short of a anti-Nighthowler tactical strike would have saved us... wait, he beat  _us_ up?" Nick blinked.  
  
"I guess he was tired of us fucking swearing or some shit," July smirked.  
  
"July..." Nick breathed out. "I guess I should tell you some things... but what are all these bunny plushies for?"  
  
"I was trying to put a voodoo curse on them," July said. "I was punching them randomly to see if one of them would wake you up, or kill you."  
  
"Oh, okay," Nick chuckled painfully. "Anyway... listen, July. I've been a huge dick to you."  
  
"Yeah, no shit," July rolled her eyes.  
  
"In my defense, you're kind of a bitch," Nick smirked.  
  
"Yeah, I get that a lot," July nodded.  
  
"I mean, you're practically an R-rated Judy," Nick laughed.  
  
"I think I'm gonna resign," July smiled wistfully. "I'm really tired of dealing with all your shit, and I'm fucking useless besides that."  
  
"No... no you're not," Nick said tenderly. "You're a good cop."  
  
"What!?" July cocked an eyebrow. "How do you figure? You yourself said anything I've done, from all of my achievements to my awesome behind-the-scenes-assisted wrestling moves, has been a lie, a game you were playing."  
  
Nick sighed. "Listen, July. I'm trying to be nice here. It's been like twenty years since I've last been nice, so give me some fuckin' time to warm up to it, okay? You found it within yourself to cower behind a barricade with some random kid, and that's brave enough for me."  
  
"Okay," July had a wobbly smile.  
  
"For such a bitch, you really are a cute little-" Nick started.  
  
"Don't fucking call me cute," July's brow instantly furrowed.  
  
"Jesus, you really  _are_ just Judy with a sailor's mouth," Nick rolled his eyes.   
  
"You're  _really_ hung up on my dead aunt," July retorted, folding her arms.  
  
"Well yeah, she was  _only_ my soulmate," Nick grunted. "I was never able to get over her death and I took it out on you, because you're basically just her with different colors and a different consonant in your name."  
  
"I guess that's fair enough," July grunted.   
  
A handsome hyena with earrings poked his head into the room. "Miss, it's time to go. Visiting hours are past, and Chief Wilde needs his rest."  
  
"Okay," July nodded. "Just one second." July smiled and sighed happily. "You better not fucking die."  
  
"No promises," Nick grinned. "I still have to take over the world!"  
  
"You know, you joke," July narrowed one eye, "but after that shit with Swinton, I wouldn't put it past you."


	16. Nick is Dead

"Yeah, heck if I know," the hyena nurse said, walking through Nick's room. "He's just been fading in and out. He's fast asleep right now. It's really ambiguous if he'll pull through or not, but we have a crash team on standby."  
  
Nick laid still in the bed, still surrounded by bunny plushes.  
  
"You know I can't say anything else about the patient, even if he is basically a rock god of foxes," the hyena sighed. "Listen, the reception's pretty bad in this room, so let me move to another room to create extra tension in case Chief Wilde flat-lines."  
  
Nick was back in the fields of grain and the purple mountain's majesty. He blinked at the serene wind he felt and walked forward. It was the unmistakable figure of a bunny. Nick gasped and-  
  
Whoa, she was making kind of an extremely creepy face.  
  
Back in the real world, Nick flat-lined. In his defense, it  _was_ a really creepy face.


	17. People that work together to accomplish a similar goal

Fabienne Growley continued to give the news report from the ZNN newsroom.  
  
"The presumed perpetrator of the incident, Mayor Swinton, was eaten by a snake," she said, looking at her notes as if to double check them. "No, we did not make that up. The incident is mostly contained, and though parts of the city are still under curfew, the municipal services are optimistic the city will be at peace in mere days."  
  
"In related news, a surveillance video featuring Chief Wilde spraying a tiger repeatedly with pepper spray has gone viral. However, it wasn't that, but the strange incident that followed that made the video go viral. The son of Robert Catmull seemed to trigger a latent, powerful rage, and beat all of the savage mammals to a pulp. The footage, which we will not show here, is described as 'profoundly disturbing'."  
  
"Wow, what a tease," Kat Clawhauser sighed, leaning on her hand.  
  
"When we reached out to Robert Catmull for comment," Fabienne continued, "he said he didn't know his child had any latent 'powers', and that it must have been a side effect of the Night Howler exposure. If anyone has seen a small bobcat with glowing blue eyes, please alert authorities. It is thought that perhaps the exact exposure of Night Howler the child sustained triggered some sort of-"  
  
"All this is some crazy stuff, July, and you were a part of it!" Kat nudged July with her elbow.  
  
"Mm," July mumbled, playing with her phone.  
  
"Aw, I don't even think I've seen you depressed before, it's cute," Kat smiled.  
  
"Flirt with me again and I'll show you 'cute'," July muttered.  
  
"Aw, you don't even really sound into it," Kat frowned.  
  
"Sorry, I'm just kind of worried about my asshole uncle," July said lowly. "If he actually dies, that would probably suck."  
  
"Yeah..." Kat frowned.  
  
"Hospital's supposed to call me if something happens to Uncle Chief," July sighed.  
  
"Really? Isn't that kind of weird?" Kat blinked.  
  
"Not really, I'm his closest living relative in the city," July shrugged. "Why would it be weird?"  
  
"I dunno, I just felt like harping on some sort of detail, that's all," Kat smiled.  
  
"You know Kat, you're a pretty sweet friend," July started to smile. "I've felt like such a chump in Zootopia ever since I found out everything I've ever done here has been at the manipulation of others. But you've always been there for me. Can I do anything to repay you?"  
  
"Well..." Kat smirked.  
  
"Nothing sexual," July added hastily.  
  
"Haha no, nothing like that," Kat chuckled. " I was thinking of going back into field work. What say you and I become partners?"  
  
"What, _really_?" July lit up. "Whoa, that would be awesome! You could like, toss me at the criminals, then I could suplex them!"  
  
"Yeah, perhaps," Kat giggled, shrugging.   
  
July exhaled a sigh of release. "Wow, I feel like... maybe even if Nick died, that we could make it in this world... together, you and me? We could do it. We could keep making the world a better place."  
  
July's phone rang.  
  
"Aw, shit," she said flatly.  
  
July's paw hesitantly reached out for the phone and she took it, putting it to her ear. Kat became extremely worried, and began to quiver as a lot was said with July staring blankly into space.  
  
"...That was the doctor," July sighed. "It was my test results."  
  
" _Your_ test results?" Kat's eyes widened.  
  
"Yeah, it was my character arc," July smiled a bit, taking off her sunglasses. "It's over."  
  
"What, just like that?" Kat raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Yup," July shrugged, "Just like that."


	18. Nick isn't Dead

"Judy..." Nick mumbled in his near-death state, his brain starved for oxygen. He ran through the grain fields to look upon his beloved. Nick blinked as he approached Judy. "Wh-wait, you're not Judy at all, you're just a..." Nick examined the rabbit. "Cardboard cutout of her?"  
  
"Say it," Judy's tinny voice came from somewhere.  
  
"The hell?" Nick scratched at his head. Nick took in a heavy sigh. "Oh well. Uh..." He looked around at the unfamiliar, alien landscape, Zootopia itself looming in the background, but the colors seemed all wrong. "I guess I'm dreaming, or dying, or something. I wonder if there's much of a difference? Heh." Nick smiled sadly.  
  
"You know what though?" Nick slapped the cardboard Judy on its chest with the back of his hand. "I've decided that I don't want to die. There's a lot to live for in Zootopia, and a lot to accomplish. I mean, I know I've basically had a charmed life, despite forty fucking years of angsting about it. I got a neat job, a hot wife, and I got to be a hero in two major crises."  
  
Nick folded his arms and shook his head. "But if I was to live, I could do so much more. Become mayor, for instance, just as a thought. There's been a recent vacancy in the position."  
  
"I know, that sounds weird and sudden that I'd want to do that," Nick chuckled at the cardboard Judy. "I know I probably don't even really  _deserve_ it. I was a major dick to your basically identical niece, July. She's a piece of work. I wonder where she gets all those sunglasses?" Nick sighed.  
  
"Anyway, if I became mayor, I know I could do all sorts of neat shit," Nick rubbed his paws together. "The city's currently recovering from the equivalent of a terrorist attack that would even have made Bellwether piss her wool." Nick chuckled. "It would have been great if you'd be there to see it."  
  
Nick sighed out heavily.  
  
"Well Judy, I guess it's time for me to go, one way or another," Nick clenched his left paw, which had a wedding ring on it, unlike in actual life. "But you know what I'd like? I'd like to-"  
  
"Say it," the tinny voice repeated.  
  
"The hell is that?" Nick walked around the cardboard cutout, and there was a carrot pen taped to the cutout's reverse side. "Wow, that's really fucking cruel. Who skimped on the special effects budget of my near-death experience?"  
  
"Anyway, it's time for me to..." Nick took off his ring and held it in front of him. " _Live_!" The ring started spinning in his palm, hovering above it, until it exploded into light which wrapped around the fox's body. Nick reared back gracefully as his body was clothed by a beautiful, elaborate dress.  
  
Nick blinked as the light show concluded.  
  
"That is _so weird_ ," Nick scratched at his chin, looking down at his dress. "Why does this always seem to happen when I'm dreaming?"  
  
Back in reality, an anteater doctor and his harried assistants panted as they registered a pulse on the heart monitor.  
  
"Thank God, he's stable," the anteater doctor breathed out. "I'd like to thank each of you for your efforts. I'm sure whatever metaphysical bullshit was going on in the mind of that dying fox had nothing to do with the earnest work involved with keeping him alive."  
  
"I'd also just like to say," the sweating hyena nurse added, electrical paddles in his hands, "that I'm very glad we managed to rush back and keep him alive after I left the room, because I certainly wouldn't want us to be hit with a lawsuit over, say, any gross negligence on our part of keeping the police chief alive."  
  
The other mammals all looked warily at the hyena, who grinned nervously.


	19. Finnick, However, Actually is Dead

Many mammals had gathered for the funeral. Honey Badger, Duke Weaselton, even July Hopps.  
  
"Here lies a trusted friend and quick-witted fox," July said, dumping a bunch of flowers on the grave. "Though he came from humble beginnings, he truly was a sterling example of a fox. He was hated by some, and loved by many." Honey was crying. "But he's safe now, in the realm of no pain."  
  
"I'm speaking about Finnick, of course," July said. "Though I tried to purposefully make it vague enough to seem like I'm talking about Uncle Chief." July chuckled. "I don't know why I did that. Hell, I don't even know why I'm at this funeral. I barely know the guy; I talked to him for like twenty minutes in his van once." July shrugged.  
  
"You're kind of ruining the moment," Honey blubbered.  
  
Nick Wilde himself shuffled along next to July.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," Nick said. "But if I came by any sooner, I would have given away the bait-and-switch." Nick shuffled forward on his cane and set an elephant porn DVD near the fennec's grave, Finnick's favorite one.  
  
"See ya, buddy," Nick smiled sadly. "I hope you're dressing like an elephant toddler in hell, or wherever we devil foxes end up."  
  
"You're ruining the moment too," Honey frowned. "Why don't you two piss off?"  
  
"Whatcha say, Uncle Chief?" July smiled.  
  
Nick nodded. "Let's go piss off."


	20. The Farce Awakens

"Heya, Uncle Chief," July stepped into Nick's office for what was to be the last time. She was carrying a basket of blueberries.  
  
"Sup?" Nick smiled. "Ooh, you brought blueberries." He looked down at his figure, which had bloated considerably in recent times. "Ugh, I really shouldn't."  
  
"They're your _favorite_...!" July beckoned in a sing-song voice.  
  
"Shit, July," Nick huffed. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were passive-aggressively trying to kill me."  
  
"That's pretty much exactly it," July grinned. "I can't believe you're the fucking  _mayor_ now, of all things."  
  
"Yeah, it's pretty crazy," Nick twirled his cane. "I mean, I  _am_ basically the greatest fox that ever lived, but shit, did you see the _opponent_?"  
  
"I... uh, I actually don't really remember who the opponent was?" July scratched at her head.  
  
"It was a straw man," Nick chuckled. July mouthed 'man' in confusion. "Oh, a man is a miserable little pile of secrets. And my only other running opponent was a pile of snake shit that used to be Mayor Swinton."  
  
"Ouch," July grinned.  
  
"Anyway, it's time to fix this place up, and blow this pawpsicle stand," Nick grinned. "The ZPD's basically going to go to shit anyway now that you and Clawhauser are going to be partners together, so I need to get while the getting's good and keep you two in line."  
  
"Fair enough," July smiled.  
  
"You know, I think I'll blame all of my problems on my father," Nick said abruptly and gave a self-satisfied sigh.  
  
"Are you suddenly telling me you have daddy issues?" July's voice was extremely confused.  
  
"Something like that; all of my negative personality traits are his fault," Nick smirked. "Plus, since he's been dead for a long time, you can't really contradict me on that."  
  
"Whatever you say," July rolled her eyes.  
  
"Hey, why don't you have blue eyes?" Nick poked her with his cane.  
  
"The hell kind of question is that?" July's face scrunched.  
  
"I think you should have blue eyes," Nick insisted. "Then I could call you 'Blues' or something."  
  
"Great, are you going senile, you fucking ancient fox?" July smiled in a tired way, but then she looked pensive. "Uncle Chief, there's something I should probably tell you, while we're talking about my name."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Nick tilted his head questioningly.  
  
"Yeah, it's not July," July smiled, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "It's April. As in _April Fools_!"  
  
The cream-colored rabbit pulled out an air horn and sounded it.  
  
"Aaagh!" Nick stumbled forward, his ears pinned back at the loud sound. Tottering into the ZPD's lobby, he saw an amazing sight.  
  
It was a gray and white bunny dressed in immaculate white.  
  
"Judy!?" Nick choked out. "Yh-you're not dead after all this time? Th-that's so... that's so... _contrived_!"  
  
"Are you really going to play the 'contrived' card with _me_ , Nicholas Wilde?" Judy folded her arms, regarding the fat old fox with skepticism. "After you managed to survive a zombie attack armed with nothing but a spray bottle, or will yourself back to life just because you _felt like it_!? It's clear not a single obstacle set against you can overcome you, so why should I be any different?"  
  
"Wait, how could you possibly know those things?" Nick sputtered in horror. "Wh-why is the ZPD's motto on my mayoral poster? Oh shit, oh _shit_...!" Nick started to panic at all the strangely familiar faces surrounding him. Faces that seemed too young, too old, or even from different timelines. "None- none of this is real, is it? Am I dead? Am I _dying_? When did it happen?"  
  
Nick grabbed Jack Savage by the lapels. "When did it happen!? Did Mr. Stevens kill me?"  
  
"I'll fuckin' blow up the whole fuckin' world if I have to for Skye," Jack said in a refined monotone.  
  
Nick grabbed Skye next. "Was it in the hospital bed? Did I at least get to apologize to July?"  
  
"Jack's ideas of dates really  _are_ patently absurd," Skye tittered lightly.  
  
"No... no!" Nick stumbled backwards. "Wh-what's going on?"  
  
All of the mammal faces just stared back at him awkwardly and with a deafening silence.  
  
July- er, April came up behind Nick and blasted the air horn again.  
  
THE. FUCKING. END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as if it wasn't incredibly obvious, this was a protracted April Fool's joke. Was it funny? I suppose that's subjective. I hope you at least got a chuckle out of it.
> 
> I'd like to state again that I bear no ill will to MisterMead. His artwork is fantastic; the expressions are evocative and the emotions themselves are meaningful and well conveyed. The emotional bits leap off the page with how much of an expert he is at intelligently laying out the panels of his work.
> 
> That said, this work wasn't entirely nonrepresentational of my feelings toward Judy is Dead. As a hazard of it being made up as Mead went along, I feel like several plot holes evolved, some of which were tried somewhat awkwardly to be resolved in explanatory comics (the Finnick van scene is a good example of this), and some that were added retroactively as a result of plot elements that kept being added. July was Nick's niece all along! How... did she never know that?
> 
> Some other things I didn't like include the pointless bait-and-switch near the end, that for a few panels pretended Nick died when in reality it was just our expository little gnome Finnick.
> 
> For how bleak most of Judy is Dead was, the ending is almost ridiculously saccharine. Nick completely gets over all of his grief just by emoting at a vision of Judy Hopps, who barely interacts with him, and in the snap of the fingers Nick becomes the mayor so he can fix all of the problems forever. He gets everything he wants and doesn't even have to fear death anymore because he's promised himself some sweet Judy snuggles in the afterlife. To me this took agency from "Partners" (hey, why does that sound familiar...) because of the "life goes on" feel that it was setting up.
> 
> Mead said that earlier on, Nick was intended to die in the story. I mean, die harder and presumably less frequently than he actually did. This is kind of obvious with all the references made about his death in the comic, and it never comes. I don't think the subversion for its own sake was necessary, and it probably would have been a stronger story if Nick actually died. Cliche, yes, but the fact that he doesn't die and then becomes an even more important figure in Zootopian history to me is incredibly unbelievable.
> 
> That, and the story leans on the script of Zootopia so hard that the ghosts of the trees that it was written on it fell over again.
> 
> Lest this threaten to become an outpouring of bile, I'd like to reiterate that I do have respect for Mead and his work and I don't intend any of this maliciously. I'm actually quite enjoying Water Under the Burrows, though I'll be ready to punch out if a meteor falls onto Judy. Or she gets assassinated by Russians.
> 
> Hope you guys keep your heads down for the rest of the day, and may April 2nd come quickly!


End file.
